Piecing It Together

"You are looking outside, and that is what you should most avoid right now. No one can advise or help you - no one. There is only one thing you should do. Go into yourself."

-Ranier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

It's funny how the longer you're away from someone, the more you notice whether they have changed or not the next time you see them. Sometimes, they can change for the better, other times they may change for the worse. In this instance, I saw my friend Julio who not only changed for the better, but helped to put some things into perspective about my life.

So we got to talking about Lady Gaga and how much of an amazing artist she is, which led to the introduction of "Letters to a Young Poet." After reading some of it, he asked what is it that I really couldn't live without; specifically what would be the one thing that would kill me if I couldn't do it anymore. I probed around, told him I was majoring in Radio/TV Production now, told him how I want to reach out to the masses and help people in some form or another, but what really spoke louder than any volume was dance. The more I talked about dancing, the more I've realized that it's become more than just a hobby or more than a passion for me. It's become my life.

So I've come to the conclusion that yes, what I desire and will strive for is to become a dancer. Whether it be opening up a small dance studio, or auditioning to become someone's back up dancer, dance is what I will try to pursue if I'm really going to be happy in life with what I want to do. One thing that did stick out to me was when he said "you're good at writing, but you're great at dancing."

After spending time with him talking, laughing, catching up, I left with a better sense of what is really breaking me down. It's been quite obvious to me that I love to dance; it's been even clearer that I've been told to do what is "practical." I have been conditioned to keeping it safe and going for the options that would get me through in life. What I should do is go for what my heart really wants, and no one should be able to turn it down. So for 2010, I will leave the shackles at the door of opportunity. If I plan to have a brighter future, I need to lean towards the gold. My backup plan will be radio and television; I need to make my Plan A dance some how. This phoenix just needs a little more ash to bring me back on the right path to happiness.

Air Made of Bricks

"Right under my feet is air made of bricks

That pulls me down and turn me weak for you

I find myself repeating like a broken tune and I'm

Forever excusing your intentions and I

Give in to my pretending

Which forgive you each time without me knowing

They melt my heart to stone..."

-Adele, "Melt My Heart to Stone"

Hmmm...how can I possibly sum up the past three to four months? It's been a hell of a ride I know that much. First off, I've been broke as hell (as I may have mentioned in my last blog). Second, I've seen so many friendships that I hold so dear to me go down the drain, which hurts me to even see that I'm typing such a thing. My relationship I'm not getting too deep into, but there has been trouble in paradise and it's taking somewhat of a long process to piece the bricks together. I've been quite sick of this past semester: work getting out of hand, drama upon drama, it seems as if I can't win for losing.

This blog is just a vent, a rant, quite frankly letting my inner emotions just flow onto the red background of this page. I've had so many low grounds these past few months that I don't even know how the hell I can even put a smile on my face. I mean just to point out the things that I am grateful for, I'm grateful for surprisingly having a successfully academic semester (found out my grades today whoop-di-doo), an amazing dance team, a phenomenal mother, great friends despite their issues and yes an amazing significant other despite our minor issues. Aside from all of those things, I just don't understand why I've been through the things that I've been through, and seen the things that I've seen.

Since it's so close to the New Year, I'm proposing this one thing for myself: I'm simply doing what is best for me. I will apologize right now if I end up hurting people in the process, but I have to be able to learn to mend and fix myself before I can make anyone's life better to live. I need to really get myself together, and if I have to be like *fuck you and you*then that's what I will resort to. I'm not setting a resolution so to speak; just having another epiphany.

Crowded

First off, I don't even remember the last time that I wrote a blog; I definitely need to get back in the groove of doing so. For the past two months, I have been through the only ups and downs--like any regular human being of course.

So yeah, I quit my OL "job" for reasons that I won't mention besides me being mentally tired and, quite frankly, I was unhappy. The summer was fun and I had an amazing time, but during the year the duties were just... how should I put it... drab? Not to mention the pay was not what we all intended. So that's just one thing off of my plate.

School's a pain in my ass. To be quite honest, two of my professors are LATE (that means whack, trash, etc.), especially my Black Studies professor. I swear to goodness one day we're really going to go at it one of these days before the semester is over. I can't stand people who are so stern and set in their ways that they can't at least see they're in the wrong. Everyone has their beliefs, but it's only fair to leave room for error--something he must've not heard of. On top of that, Photojournalism--so I've found--is definitely not my cup of tea. Photography, yes, but photojournalism? I can live without. I feel like it doesn't leave room for expression; too much structure, too many guidelines. I need something with more creativity, so on that note I'll just have photography be a hobby rather than a prospective career interest.

Speaking of prospective career interests, I decided to change my major to Radio and Television Production. Journalism is cool, but I really thought about it and I think (yes, still thinking) that television or radio is the way to go even if it's behind the scenes. I have a mission to make my voice heard about equality and change, and radio and television would be a better avenue so to speak.

On a brighter note, my significant other and I have been doing quite well for almost seven months (we'll make seven on Sunday). That is all.

So yes, people, I have been living somewhat of a roller coaster. At the end of the day, still, I have my dance team to look forward to (Blue and Orange weekend is coming up woot woot), my friends to count on, and my family (well select family) to lean on. I'm still trying to keep my head up despite the loco teachers and the outside drama. I'll make it better... just watch...

4 Months

"Now it's been 3 years since we've been in love

And you keep doing things to show you're proud of

30 beauties in the room only me you see

The confidence you give lives in me

I vow to never break your heart or never let you down

For better or worse I'll always be around

And with you here to share my life, so complete

It's because of you I know how it feels to be..."

-Destiny's Child, "Love"

So it hasn't been three years, but it has been four months. In all honesty, I never thought that I would experience love again. I have been through three years of ups and downs with someone who I felt love for; someone who I still love in a different way than this. This love, however, is real. It is the love that I wake up to every morning and go to sleep with every evening. It is the love that makes me smile on the inside even when the outer world is against me. It is the love that keeps me at a high even when I can be on such lows.

I have known this love for almost two years now--September will mark the second year. It is so uncanny how someone you can be complete friends with at first can end up being that special someone that you know will have you in the long run. As I sit here writing this, I remember how we met two years ago as if we met just today. I can still remember how we used to talk hours upon hours on the phone, just as we can talk hours upon hours to this day. It is this kind of love that makes me appreciate living for the next day.

Just four months ago, we decided to go with the flow; to "explore the possibilities." Who would have thought that four months later the possibilities would flourish?

Time Goes By...So Fast?

Damn, the clock is ticking at such a speedy pace. The summer is almost over; a successful summer at that. Next week is my last session for summer orientation and it's kind of sad, but rewarding at the same time. Who would have thought that these weeks would fly by? It seems like just a minute ago I was meeting my co-workers/friends for the first time. It's funny to see how we became so close over two months by doing what we wanted to do the most; setting an example for the students that are coming in for Fall Semester.

All of my students loved me...hey, I can't ignore that. I mean really, I wanted to inspire them and show them the magic of college, and through that they developed a love for not only the college, but for me as a person they can look up to for anything during the year. Sometimes it brings a little tear to my eye; a tear of joy and fulfillment. Knowing that I helped mold the minds of future leaders makes my job even better.

So I'm not sure if I'm ready to end next week. I know I will see my students in August, but nonetheless I miss every single one of them.

Life is Bliss

"Hold me there

Deep inside your arms

Stay with me one more song

Until my body's melting away, away, away"

-Ciara, "Keep Dancing On Me"

It's been awhile since I've written a blog...wow that's really not good actually lol. But I guess this is the time to update on what is going on in my life at the current moment. So much to be said, so I'll try to fit in my last month of activity.

So as we all know, I am an Orientation Leader at my school. Yeah, yeah, it sounds pretty cheesy, but no one really knows how much of an enlightening experience it is to have this job. The whole month of June, I had connected with my fellow OL's on such deep levels; many new friendships were made, and the new friendships made were made stronger. What really made the job worthwhile (so far) was this past week's session. My students--even students that were not in my group--were simply amazing. It's such a blessing of whatever higher powers there may be to see the next generation coming to college and becoming adults. As I led them around and had late night talks with them, it reminded me of when I was in their exact position but only a year ago. Wow...time flies...

On a different note, things are going great with my love. He's every and anything I could ever ask for in a significant other, and I'm grateful for that. That is all on that subject lol no need to get too too deep (not to mention I'm a tad tired).

Well, tomorrow I go back for the next session. I can only hope that my next group and the next set of students are just as inspiring as the students I've experienced. Man, I can't wait for next semester...

"What You Eat Don't Make Me Shit"

B. Scott is a fabulous firecracker of a man. For those who do not know who B. Scott is, he is an avid video blogger who has gained fame across the worldwide web. He has even gained so much recognition that he has been recently involved in the NOH8 campaign in California to combat Proposition 8. I was put onto B. Scott awhile ago by a good friend, but recently I have regained my interest in his vlogs starting with the above video.

B. Scott definitely gets things off of his chest as the title describes. Many of the points that he brought up is exactly how I--amongst other LGBT people--feel about the views of homosexuals. It's so crazy how some heterosexual men and women figure that just because a person is gay or lesbian, they automatically want to "convert" them; it's so crazy how some heterosexual men and women quote the Bible calling homosexuality an "abomination" when they commit sin by going to Red Lobster and ordering the shellfish specials. People need to open their eyes and see that we (the LGBT community) are just as much human as anyone and everyone else. As B. Scott boldly said, "judge people by the merit of their character." It is not about who a person sleeps with at night or loves in the morning; it is about the kindness and good in their hearts and in their being.

Another quote that touched me specifically *made me die laughing too only because of the deliverance lol* was "What you eat, don't make me shit." This is completely true. Why the hell do we lead our lives worrying about what others have to think and say about it? We should be able to live and let live, do us and say "fuck what you think, I'm finna do me." I take this to the heart because periodically in my life, I get those people who ask "why must you dress like this?" and "why must you do that?" What do I have to say to these people now? What you eat don't make me shit.

So find the time to watch the above video. Whether you are gay, straight, bi, try, whatever just watch the video and be enlightened. Trust me, it is not a waste of eleven minutes. You will indeed walk away with another outlook on who you are; on who I am.

How Good It Hurts

"Well I've met my match
'Cause you're more of a man
Than I've ever had
This table's turned
And I can't find the words
To describe how good it hurts"
-Chrisette Michele, "Mr. Right"

So it's been about two months...wow that is pretty amazing. I find it crazy how you go through time without looking for love, and out of nowhere love finds you. It has been two months since me and Mr. Right decided to explore the possibilities and I can say that it has been an amazing journey. Never have I ever imagined that life and love could be this good. Knowing him for over a year *it will be two years in September or October* I would never imagine that a true love could be right in front of my face. Someone who listens to me; someone who understands me; someone who sees me even with my flaws.

Everyday I wake up in the morning, and what is wrong with that picture is that I do not like to wake up in the morning. To hear his voice on the phone, I do. It is such a joy to speak to him every day just hearing how he is doing at work, or the new music he recommends, or how we disagree on Beyonce. I appreciate him so much; his friendship and honesty means so much to me that I cannot fathom what life would be like if I had never met him that faithful day at McDonald's on 42nd Street.

Love has not hit me like this in years. It took awhile, but I have finally opened my eyes to what true love entails. It entails support for one another, it entails respect for one another, it entails seeing each other smile and provoking each others minds. All of these things I have found in him, and I can wholeheartedly say that my two month curse can be broken. This is something that I know will last past our relationship, past our friendship, past our lifetimes.

Kiss My Swag

So lately I've been having a lot of discussion about this one topic: being who I am. It's all down to the clothes I wear, how I act, who I interact with, and all that jazz. I have come to a clear realization that people unfortunately look at me a certain way: family, strangers, whoever.

Last night I get into the house (quite frankly minding my own business) and I had on this nice low V-neck long sleeved shirt from Forever 21...yes, Forever 21. So when I take my jacket off and sit down in the living room with my mother, she asks "is that a girl's shirt?" Of course, I answer, "yes, mom, it's a girl's shirt." Low and behold, she starts going off: "why are you wearing girl's clothing?" Blah blah fucking blah. Anyone who knows me well knows that I hate when people--especially my mother--asks me about what I wear. So I told her like I tell any one else, "because these clothes fit me and I still look like a boy wearing it." Now this is no offense to anyone who wears girl's clothing and look like girls; I have more respect for you guys than anything if that's your swag. I'm just saying (to her) that she needs to realize that just because I wear girl's clothing makes me no less of a boy; not to mention I only own very little articles of clothing worn by females. So she just needs to chillax.

After I got my Ciara "Fantasy Ride" from my companion, there's this one song that I have dubbed my new theme song of 2009: "Pucker Up." It's basically saying I'm going to do me whether you like it or not, and "if you don't like it, you can kiss my swag." Creative way of telling it like it is, I must say. So for anyone out there who's just plain ol' hating on what I do and how I do it, "Shawty, you can kiss my swag."

Damn...

Damn...that's all I can say right now. Just as soon as I get so close to the finish line, I feel like something causes me to trip. Right now I don't know whether I should have a vendetta with my Spanish professor, or if I should look at my English professor (or the English department rather) in a different way.

Might as well start out with the good news, since that's what we like to do in life: sugar coat. So I took my Black Psych final yesterday and I think I did exceptionally well. Had a discussion with my professor: B+ on the paper; B in the class. That I can feel proud of considering that I've busted my chops in that class trying to get key concepts and ideals and all that goodness. I can comfortably say that I've walked out of that class a better black person. Now for the bullshit of the day.
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I go to my Spanish final at 2:45pm; walk into the room feeling a certain kind of way already (I hate my professor as previously mentioned) and low and behold a sarcastic "Oh, you decided to show up?" Of course, it would be in my nature to return shade, but I let it slide and said nothing to her. Took my final...not exactly comfortable with it, but hey I'm a native English speaker, can't knock me for finding another language a tad difficult. Anywho, I finish my final and collect some leftover work. The problem: why do I get an evaluation sheet that says "Not enough evidence to evaluate"? I walk out the class pretty dumbfounded, then turned right back around. All she could tell me is "if you come to my office we can talk." I'm thinking in the back of my head "BITCH DOES IT LOOK LIKE I WANNA TALK?" I just walk out the classroom disappointed. I can't even fathom what a conversation with her would be like; supposedly I've missed half of my classes after Midterms which I feel is a crock of shit. I'm pretty sure that I've been spitting out some lengua fuera twice a week, although I did have my sick days. So she can't tell me that I have NO evidence whatsoever to evaluate me. Bull...shit...

So after I leave, I get an email sent to my phone from my English professor. What do you know? more bad news. She tells us that our final is pushed back to Thursday...what's wrong with this picture? I WAS SUPPOSED TO LEAVE WEDNESDAY! What possessed her or the department to switch our final from Tuesday to Thursday? The world will never know. However, I am highly disappointed and appalled.

All I ask is to finish this school year. I wanted to get my finals over with; I wanted to go home to my companion, my family, my friends; I wanted some relaxation time before I come back up here to work. Basically all of those goals were flushed down the drain beginning with one little email. And now I'm up studying for a class that I give two shits about. Overall, I'm done with this.

But you know what? I do get to have some sort of relaxation after all. I'm going to the city on Wednesday to buy my ticket for my old high school's show on Saturday. I'm going to treat myself to a haircut, hopefully see my besties, and maybe (most likely) visit my mother, come back up for my "English final" and call it quits. Later on I'll discuss my night with Culture Shock, but this was ample time to vent. I needed to write, to type, whatever to relieve this stress. I just needed time to have some sort of escape besides tears in my room alone. I just need to go.

Epiphany II

This past weekend has dealt a strong blow on my heart. As everyone who's read my blog knows, I've been losing out on a considerable amount of sleep lately due to papers and projects and all that's in between. The past two days, on the other hand, have dealt me some cards that were unexpected.

So Monday night I was walking through the SUB (Student Union Building for the non-NP heads) to go to the ATM machine. Suddenly, I'm stopped by my peers that wanted me to take part in this program called "Tunnel of Oppression." Ever been through one of those walk-through haunted houses? Well, the set up was similar; the "tunnel" had derogatory statements of rape, abuse, homophobia, racism, any form of discrimination that you can think of. I mean hey, I could deal with that, right? Sure...if they didn't have people acting these things out right in front of me. I went through the tunnel twice: the first time went so quickly that I didn't process what was going on. Reluctantly, I went for a second go, and was kind of shocked at how it affected me. Although I debriefed with some counselors from the counseling center (who, by the way, conveniently were waiting at the end) I had a lot of built up emotions that turned into tears by the time I was in Tina's room.

Basically, walking through that "tunnel" brought a vast amount of memories back into my mind. Some memories that I'd rather leave unspoken; others that people know about because I may have openly shared my experiences with them. I just felt with all of the pressures of work and my past being crept back into my mind that I needed release through tears. I mean honestly, I did need to cry. However, the program I felt was pushed upon me at the wrong time. I've been stressed enough and to have skeletons coming out of my closet was the last straw.

But you know what? Another program last night called "Diversity Matters" dealt with almost the same thing in a more subtle, enlightening approach. Many of the workshop activities dealt with breaking barriers and getting to know people on a deeper level; breaking away from the stereotypes and realizing that I am not the only one who have hurt in the past. Last night I cried, too. These tears, compared to the ones from Monday evening, were tears of closure. I felt that whatever I have gone through in life, or whatever my friends have gone through in their lives, was put out on the table and addressed. With this being done, there was some closure. Personally, I was able to face my issues and say "I am definitely not alone; I share my pain with the rest of these people. I can be at ease."

I guess I can say that once again, my inner phoenix is working with me again. I totally feel better than I have been a few days back. All in all, I guess things happen for a reason, and that's where this concept of Sankofa comes in: looking back into your past in order to move forward into the future. This and the phoenix can be interrelated: burning the past and being born into the future with the ashes. Wow, I didn't know I could connect what I've learned in Black Psych with other things in life...good job me lol.

Oh, These Mornings...

Another morning that I'm awake. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I mean really, Friday I was up from 12:15 until *gasp* approximately 11:20 am Saturday morning. Not to mention I had a performance at 8pm later on that Saturday, so what was I thinking? What influenced me to do such a thing? Maybe it was the little bit of "Finding Nemo" that I drank for celebrating Princess' success at the Latino Week Fashion Show. Then again, I sobered up about three hours after the matter, so that couldn't be it. Other than that, I stayed up working on a research project due tomorrow...that's still not complete...go figure :-\

So yet again, I am up in the wee hours of the morning stressing over work; an essay that I had to write for my Composition II class. I mean pretty simple essay...if only I did it way ahead of time. I had other priorities to fulfill, though. My Black Psych paper definitely kicked my ass, but I prevailed either way.

Quite frankly, I'm tired of staying up these hours doing work. Thank goodness today's the second-to-last day of classes (even if we do have to take finals next week). Point of the matter is I need relaxation. I need "him," my family, my friends. I just need to be away from the academics for awhile. I feel like it's burning an unnecessary hole in me and it's taking awhile to fill that hole back up. If only I could heal as fast as Wolverine *awesome movie, might I add.*

P.S.: Thanks Faisal for the Phoenix Magic card, I really wasn't expecting that haha at least I'll have something in my wallet to keep me strong throughout the day...hopefully...

Epiphany

So the other night I'm up bored on Facebook (my usual routine when I don't want to do any form of work). I see that my friends do these little quizzes that is meant to tell you things like "What Kind of Superhero Are You?" and such. Well I found one that I took interest in, which was "Which Fantasy Creature Are You?" and I went along with it, not expecting any results. Heck, for all I know I was going to end up being a Unicorn or a Fairy or something. Low and behold, when I got the results back, I got the thing that I treasure the most (you guys should already know): the Phoenix.

Now usually, Facebook quizzes are a load of bullshit. Let's face it: you answer questions and usually get results that either kinda fits you or doesn't fit you at all. The funny thing about this quiz was that I answered all of the questions honestly and without trying to tweek them for a satisfying result, and what do I get? The very creature that I have grown to look up to. I had an epiphany: the phoenix is, in fact, the very reason why I strive to move forward after all. I mean I've said it a thousand times over, but after this little play on questions and answers I've come to realize that it is something that was meant to be. In all essence, I do live the life of a phoenix: I hurt, I stress, but at the end of the day I end up picking myself right back up and start a new page.

Honestly, lately I have been drained, tired, hell just down in the dumps as a whole if you must. School's definitely been stressful with the work. But you know what? I found some inner strength and inspiration to go out and do what I have to do. I have everyone in my corner that I need and the spark that I need to survive these last few weeks of my freshman year of college.

So I have been very Phoenix oriented lately: my Firefox browser is of a fire theme with golds and reds, my desktop image is of the strong firebird that's right at the top of this very blog, all a reminder that I have that inner fire to keep going.

Fire and Ashes: A Phoenix Update

So yeah, it's been a considerable amount of time since I have written a blog, and might I add SO MUCH HAS GONE ON IN MY LIFE!

First and foremost, the two words that sums up the theme of this semester: NO RESPECT. To clarify what this means, it's pretty much another way of saying that I've just learned to let live and let go. I guess you can say that I've become a little nonchalant with my classes and whatnot, but then again who's still up typing a Philosophy paper due in...oh I don't know...6 hours?

Second, I got the Orientation Leader position that I was dying over :) I definitely can't wait to be a part of the incoming first year's experience the way that my OL was for me. I feel that it would only be right to spread the love of New Paltz that I have to the young'ns so they can enjoy their first year and hopefully the rest of the college years to come.

Now as I have mentioned before, there was someone in my life who has been around for awhile that I have grown to love and appreciate so much. What of it? Only we know: and that's how it should be. As far as what everyone can know, we will always have love and respect for each other until the day we rot and biodegrade.

So all in all, there is a cycle of fire and ashes still going on in my life. I still burn, I still incinerate, but at the end of the day, I bounce right back out fresh from the ashes of life and take everything in. Life is beautiful for me right now, and I plan on making that very consistent.

Oh How I Wish I Could Sing...

"Remember those walls I built?
Well baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your Halo
I got my angel now"

-Beyonce, "Halo"

A few years ago, I had came to the realization of how much music means to me. I may not listen to every single song, but the ones that stick out to me--lyrically more than rhythmically--has such a special way of talking to me and relating to me. Songs like Halo, I Found Myself, and countless other songs speaks directly to my heart and soul. It is so funny how someone you do not know personally can share the same experiences or feel the same emotions that you can be feeling in the present moment.

Without music, I really do not know how I would cope with my life. Music makes me happy, holds me down when I'm sad or angry, makes me believe in love, makes me believe in the good times and assure me that I can always get out of the bad times. Without music, I would not know how to relieve my stresses and obstacles--especially since I love to dance. Putting both together gives me such an escape from life; being able to express myself with movements, and if I'm not moving I can express myself through the words of the artists. Hopefully, music will be there for me the rest of my life.

Bright Lights, Long Nights

"Boy you know I'm kinda tipsy
I got all the Dolls with me
You know how them bottles get me
We gon' have some fun"

-The Pussycat Dolls, "Bottle Pop"

You know what I love about college? I love the little experiences that you get into. With the right people in the right place, you can live the high life sometimes. This semester is proving to have some very high times as it goes by.

Last night, I celebrated my friend Lori's birthday with the usuals and other friends. Let's just say we had some crazy times including some "designated drivers" lol. But point in fact is that birthday celebrations tend to be the best events up here at New Paltz. First it was my birthday (which was wild crazy as well), then Ari and Andrene's birthday where we had a nice little family dinner, and Lori's birthday celebration last night. Rarely have I ever celebrated friends' birthdays the way we do it over here. It feels so family oriented; not to mention we have some really good memories and pics to match.

When senior year comes, we'll be able to look back on these special moments and say "Wow, we had some good ass times." That's how you know that you have some of the most valuable friends in the world.

My Friends Are The Shit, What About Yours?

It is so hard to really find those people that you can call "friends" nowadays. Some people are fair weather friends; they come and go like the seasons. Then you have the select few friends that stick around for the long haul; the friends that you cherish, love, all that good stuff that you can definitely be honest with, laugh, talk, etc.

Now I'm completely aware that most of my posts have been about friendship, but I cannot help it...simply because my friends are the shit lol. What is sparking my post tonight is the great time that I have with my New Paltz friends just talking about whatever comes to mind; learning about each other's views and seeing how much alike we are and--most definitely--how much different we are from each other. It doesn't take a college degree to figure out when you have those friends that you can trust and appreciate. I whole heartedly love my New Paltz family--that includes my Culture Shock heads and my other individuals who I have bonded with this school year. As the semester is coming to a close, I know that I will miss them during the summer. Then again, maybe I won't; I'll make ways to see them one way or another. I mean, they are the shit, so they're worth every second of my time, what can I say?

Smash Into You

"And I'm soaked in your love
And love is right in my path, in my grasp
And me and you belong"
And me and you belong"

-Beyonce, "Smash Into You"

It's so crazy...I haven't felt this way in forever. It's been so long that we've been friends and now that I know that there can be more, what is there to do? I'm scared just as much as he is...but maybe it's to be scared together. Hell, even my best friends see how happy he makes me, and like Beyonce says, "I'm willing to run...Smash Into You." I know that we have all of the time in the world to think, there's no pressure there and that's what I love about this. Either way, I will love him from the bottom of my heart.

This is exactly what I feel about this boy. It's so uncanny how a friend that you know for quite sometime can potentially be Mr. Right; being right there in front of you this whole time while other guys don't even compare to him. The only problem is what will that do to our friendship? One can only hope that it would make us stronger, but what happens if the relationship ends? Like we both figure, we will love each other either way. Question pending: what next? Do we take that next step? Leave things as is? Only time can slowly reveal what is in store for us. Right now, I just want to enjoy him for what he is: a true man in our generation.

I Am Grateful For...

So my homie skillet Angel made up this little holiday called March of Gratitude. What you do is each day of March, you state what you are grateful for everywhere you can: your away messages, Facebook status, on your wall, etc. If I can say so myself, this is the most brilliant thing that I have ever heard.

This month, I have realized all of the things--big and small--that take a positive effect on my life. Even if I was in the shittiest of moods, I could go back and say that I was grateful for something. Hopefully, this holiday that one man has created for friends can soon blow up in a global perspective. More people should be grateful for what they have rather than be miserable for what they don't have. In the short two weeks or so that I have done this exercise, I can say that my outlook on life as of now can be nothing more than positive. Hey, if we can be grateful in March, why not be grateful everyday? I'm sure it would do people some good.

One thing in particular that I was grateful for this week was love. Recently, I have been really close with those who I care for, and it is bringing me nothing but happiness as each day passes. Whether it be friends, family, or a significant other, love does exist; I can comfortably say that I still believe in love and will believe in love for the long run. If I ever tell you any different, then maybe I'm in a bad mood. From what I have been experiencing lately, I have been proven wrong in thinking that maybe love is a silly game. To those who are special to me, I love you dearly.


P.S. I find it ironic that the picture I have for gratitude has mice in it, and I'm musophobic :-\

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

I am most definitely feeling the spring air. This weekend has been, by far, the best weekend that I have had in New Paltz since Blue and Orange Weekend and my first week of school. Friday night my friends and I went to the Kappa party and had nothing but a feel good time. Anytime I dance I just feel free, so even though I still feel sick for some odd reason, I felt relief on the dance floor. Today, the weather was simply BEAUTIFUL. I didn't even have to wear a jacket...well for most of the day that is. My friends and I went to see Watchmen, phenomenal movie I must say. It was a good 2 hours that wasn't wasted lol.

It's days like these that make me really appreciate the school that I go to. I'm looking forward to more weekends--hell, more days--like the past two days that I had. When the weather gets even better, I'm pretty sure the real fun's going to start. I can't wait to share it with my New Paltz family that I have. Each day I think about how grateful I am to have the set of friends that I have in my life, and I hope that they will be in my life for years to come.

Backflip

Talk about your turn of events! Just when you think that things go down hill, they tend to pick up in another way. To start off, I totally passed my Black Psych quiz; got all of my multiple choice and true/false questions right (that's 80 points right there lol) so I just have to see how the short answer section is. All in all, I passed. Not to mention my professor's going to be out of town next week, so I don't have him for two days (since on Tuesday, Thursday classes will be held). Speaking of teachers being absent, guess who's not having Composition for 3 days out of the week? That's right; I'M NOT! My professor for that class is going to California for some conference, so that makes two classes that I'm not having within the course of next week. Too bad my Spanish teacher doesn't know what vacation or conference means ::sigh::

The moral of this story kids: I feel fuckin' awesome. Spring is definitely in the air as well; this weekend we're expecting from 50-65 degrees, so it should be a beautiful few days. AND Spring Break kicks off next weekend, so I totally can't wait to just relax, enjoy an environment that's not mine for a few days and then return to my friends back at home for the rest of the vacation. Man, how life is awesome right about now.

Fuck My Life Doggy Style

"When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane."    -Herman Hesse

So yeah...I'm miserable.  First off, I'm sick--anyone who knows me know that I HATE being sick.  Any sickness is like the plague to me, and I don't appreciate that.  Like really, I'm on some Helen Keller shit; I'm half deaf in my right ear due to my cold, and I have bad vision already.  To top things off, Monday I had a Spanish exam....that I forgot about (go figure) so we already can conclude how I feel about that.  Today, I had a Period Styles exam, which all of the information that I studied went COMPLETELY OUT THE WINDOW.  Do I look hopeful in my education at this point? Probably not.

I really need to reevaluate my life right about now--more specifically with my education.  I need to learn what to turn down, how to better manage my time; simply just how to stay focused.  For the past 2 days I feel like I've been losing my sanity; I'd rather lose my virginity...wait I already did that, but you guys get the point.  I need some time away from this environment, and I need it soon.  Thank goodness Spring Break is just around the corner because Virginia Beach, here I come!  Some time away from New York State as a whole should do me some justice.  For right now, I'm going to do what Ronald McDonald prescribed a few years ago: "Put a smile on."

Home

Home: for me, it's a place where you feel that you're comfortable, where you can be you, where you have family. I can comfortably say that I have two homes: New Paltz and New York City. It's actually funny; New York City becomes less of a home to me as the days go by. However, what reminds me that I still have a place there is not the busy streets or the flashing lights, but the friends that I have when I go back to visit.

This weekend was one of the best weekends spent in the city this year so far. I went back home to perform at this ball that my best friends and I have been planning for months. I learned the choreography last Wednesday, but hey I still got it (;-p). Followed by a successful ball, I spent the whole weekend at Matt's house. Matt, for those who may not know, is one of my best friends who I love dearly. We had an XOXO sleepover with Anthony, Todd, Alyssia, and Lance where we talked and laughed all night into the morning. The next day, one of my close friends Ty comes to visit, which is always a good time for me since we have the most amazing conversations about everything. Wrapping up my city weekend, I played Uno with Matt and Todd (won 9 times...and they're mad lol) and Taboo when Lance came back over. When it was time for me to head back to the Port Authority, Julio was gentleman enough to escort me to the bus station. I enjoyed his company; we had a heart to heart, which we have every so often, and which I always appreciate.

I was sad to leave them all behind; honestly, I always get sad when I leave them. What brings my spirits back up are the people in New Paltz that I consider my friends. I came back to have dinner with Faisal, Euclyn, and Shatera and it was actually pretty interesting. It was a different crowd from who I usually hang with (not to mention it was the first time I hung out with Faisal outside his and Princess' room lol), and I really appreciated that time spent. It reminded me of the array of friends that I have who has even the tiniest affect on my life and how I grow as a person. After dinner, I reunited with Princess, Tina, and Lori and we had a nice talk about our weekends and what went on.

Home is where the heart is. I am glad to say that I have two homes that fill my heart, and I am so grateful for where I am in life that NOTHING can change the way I feel about it, no matter how drastic. As long as I keep surrounding myself will positive people, I will have positive experiences that reminds me where my home is.

I'm Trying

I'll be honest: this college life is hard. I find myself going to sleep all hours of the morning, night, whatever you want to call it. Some days I do the work required, other days I forget the work that I must do. Spanish is most definitely kicking my ass. Hell, I even S/U'd the course (long story as of what that means, but let's just say it's a step closer to me not giving a fuck.) In the midst of it all, however, I can say that at least I'm trying to push forward.

When I think about it, all that's pushing me forward is my mother (who of course is the only person that I have in my immediate home,) my friends here at school and at home, and of course those select few family members that I can say have held me even in the darkest times. They are the reason why I still strive to go to school; they are my positive influence and my drive. Everyday I think, "this is leading towards a bigger picture." That bigger picture is for me to be proud of who I am and show the rest that anyone can do what I am doing.

So the hard work? It will always be hard. What I'm getting from the hard work? Life skills, closer to a comfortable living (hopefully,) and self confidence above all. I already made it through one semester; I'm pretty sure that another semester can't hurt...right? Hey, at least I can say that I'm trying.

Thought of the Day: Words

Words

Can you imagine how words effect a person? One word can turn a whole day upside down. A few words can cause unbearable pain. A whole sentence can sometimes lead to destruction. It's crazy because in this day and age, we should be finding words of encouragement; words that will push us forward instead of drawing us back. We as human beings need to try and live by meaningful words, not just jargon and falsehoods. The wrong words may cause some damage, but the right words and genuine feeling behind those words can do a person so much justice.

My Fire, My Ashes

So yeah, decided to make this whole blog thing lol. I was pretty much curious, since I'm always seeing "blogspot" this and "blogger" that, so I said "hey, why not try it?"

Anywho, I guess I can use this first blog to explain what the title of my blog is. For those who know me--especially my best friends back home--my nickname is Phoenix when I'm with my group XOXO (we got that from Gossip Girl, lol). Piggy-backing off of that, any one who knows me knows that the phoenix is my favorite mythological creature. A phoenix is a mystical bird with red and gold plumage that dies in the fire and is reincarnated in the ashes. Phoenixes are also known to have healing properties; their tears are supposed to be able to heal any wounds. Ergo, My Fire, My Ashes is based off of my personal motto that whatever trials and tribulations that I go through in my life, I can always be reborn a better person from them.

I write a lot of poetry...or at least write a lot of poetry when I'm in the mood lol. Whatever I post here will most likely be poetry that questions the things that I go through and--for my personal gain--I can learn from what I write about. Other than that, it'll be me rambling about what I go through during a day or other things that tickle my fancy. Most likely, my shit will be random since I'm random but I always believed that writing makes it easier for me to express what I feel and get a great deal off of my mind. So anyone's pretty much welcomed to experience the fire that I go through, and the ashes that I come out of.