Piecing It Together

"You are looking outside, and that is what you should most avoid right now. No one can advise or help you - no one. There is only one thing you should do. Go into yourself."

-Ranier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

It's funny how the longer you're away from someone, the more you notice whether they have changed or not the next time you see them. Sometimes, they can change for the better, other times they may change for the worse. In this instance, I saw my friend Julio who not only changed for the better, but helped to put some things into perspective about my life.

So we got to talking about Lady Gaga and how much of an amazing artist she is, which led to the introduction of "Letters to a Young Poet." After reading some of it, he asked what is it that I really couldn't live without; specifically what would be the one thing that would kill me if I couldn't do it anymore. I probed around, told him I was majoring in Radio/TV Production now, told him how I want to reach out to the masses and help people in some form or another, but what really spoke louder than any volume was dance. The more I talked about dancing, the more I've realized that it's become more than just a hobby or more than a passion for me. It's become my life.

So I've come to the conclusion that yes, what I desire and will strive for is to become a dancer. Whether it be opening up a small dance studio, or auditioning to become someone's back up dancer, dance is what I will try to pursue if I'm really going to be happy in life with what I want to do. One thing that did stick out to me was when he said "you're good at writing, but you're great at dancing."

After spending time with him talking, laughing, catching up, I left with a better sense of what is really breaking me down. It's been quite obvious to me that I love to dance; it's been even clearer that I've been told to do what is "practical." I have been conditioned to keeping it safe and going for the options that would get me through in life. What I should do is go for what my heart really wants, and no one should be able to turn it down. So for 2010, I will leave the shackles at the door of opportunity. If I plan to have a brighter future, I need to lean towards the gold. My backup plan will be radio and television; I need to make my Plan A dance some how. This phoenix just needs a little more ash to bring me back on the right path to happiness.

Air Made of Bricks

"Right under my feet is air made of bricks

That pulls me down and turn me weak for you

I find myself repeating like a broken tune and I'm

Forever excusing your intentions and I

Give in to my pretending

Which forgive you each time without me knowing

They melt my heart to stone..."

-Adele, "Melt My Heart to Stone"

Hmmm...how can I possibly sum up the past three to four months? It's been a hell of a ride I know that much. First off, I've been broke as hell (as I may have mentioned in my last blog). Second, I've seen so many friendships that I hold so dear to me go down the drain, which hurts me to even see that I'm typing such a thing. My relationship I'm not getting too deep into, but there has been trouble in paradise and it's taking somewhat of a long process to piece the bricks together. I've been quite sick of this past semester: work getting out of hand, drama upon drama, it seems as if I can't win for losing.

This blog is just a vent, a rant, quite frankly letting my inner emotions just flow onto the red background of this page. I've had so many low grounds these past few months that I don't even know how the hell I can even put a smile on my face. I mean just to point out the things that I am grateful for, I'm grateful for surprisingly having a successfully academic semester (found out my grades today whoop-di-doo), an amazing dance team, a phenomenal mother, great friends despite their issues and yes an amazing significant other despite our minor issues. Aside from all of those things, I just don't understand why I've been through the things that I've been through, and seen the things that I've seen.

Since it's so close to the New Year, I'm proposing this one thing for myself: I'm simply doing what is best for me. I will apologize right now if I end up hurting people in the process, but I have to be able to learn to mend and fix myself before I can make anyone's life better to live. I need to really get myself together, and if I have to be like *fuck you and you*then that's what I will resort to. I'm not setting a resolution so to speak; just having another epiphany.