Question?

So yeah, everyone's heard of Formspring, and if you haven't I can basically tell you what it is. Formspring is a website that's kind of like an Honesty Box where people can ask you questions anonymously and get to know you. However, that can prove to be a double-edged sword, since people take advantage of the anonymity and become bold with their questions, often asking negative things or attacking people.

I want to use this blog right now to pick out a few questions that were asked about me that I really liked and had responded to. The positive thing about Formspring for me is that I can answer truthfully and people who may have the same questions can, indeed, get a preview of who I am. After all, you don't really know a person until you meet them in person. Onto the Q&A:

In one word how would you describe yourself?

Enigmatic

Are you close to your family? Are you loyal?

I'm close to my mother, grandmother, and a few cousins. Honestly, some of my family have talked behind my back and smiled in my face, and for that I don't be around them.

Have you ever been in love? How did you know?

I have been and still am in love. Whenever I see that person, I can't help but smile. Whenever I get mad at that person, I can't be mad at them for more than a minute. Whenever I'm near them, I feel safe.

Who is the most important person in your life? and Why?

My mother by far is the most important person in my life for the simple fact that she's my mother lol nah but seriously it's always just been me and her and I feel like she's the reason why I'm such a strong person. If I didn't have her as a backbone aside from my friends, I would have nothing.

What are your attitudes toward romance?

I love romance. I'm a very romance related person, and it doesn't have to be an expensive date type thing. Just spending time with the person you love is all that matters, whether it's a walk in the park or watching tv at home, anything of that matter.

How do u deal with homophobia?

Honestly, I've been called my share of faggots and batty bwois and I can say that I walk right by them. Silence kills them, and I don't give them the satisfaction of getting to me by reacting. Of course I'd want to curse them out, but I value my life. And if it's someone I know personally, I try to educate them by either showing them who I am as a person or not being bothered with them at all depending on their state of mind. You can't educate those who don't want to be educated.

Why do you think the gay community gets a bad rap in general?

Unfortunately because we've been oppressed by heterosexism. This world is so wrapped up in what a man and woman should do and that our lives are sinful, but they don't realize that we bleed the same color and feel the same emotions. In turn, that makes the LGBTQ community not value their worth, and we end up fitting into the stereotypes of promiscuity and flamboyance and so forth so on because of what heterosexuals put into the minds of society.

There's tons of other questions, but quite frankly I'm lazy *shrugs*. If you have any questions for me, feel free to ask http://formspring.me/CSPho3nix

3's a Charm

So today, I got my fourth tattoo: the number 3 (in Tamil instead of standard numerals; it's on my arm by the way). For those who don't know, the number 3 is my life path number, and I've been really into it thanks to my great friend Angel. So in honor of this number, I decided to dedicate my blog to delving deep into what the number means, and what it has to do with the life that I live. There are three categories: Characteristics, Possible Careers, and Weaknesses. Let's begin with my characteristics:

"You most likely have some of the following strengths and talents at your disposal if the number 3 appears in your numerology chart:

You are creative, socially active, artistic, very positive and optimistic, playful, happy and fun-loving, inspirational, imaginative, motivating, enthusiastic and uplifting.

You have great verbal skills and a talent for self expression. You are a great communicator, you enjoy life and you don't take things too seriously."

Most of these things prove to be true. For the most part, I love meeting new people and learning about someone. I'm definitely all about freedom of expression and freedom to being me. That's the only thing I know how to do the best besides eat, sleep, dance, and live. As far as not taking things too seriously, that's kinda true. I do often pay no mind to some things, but I'll get into the flaw in the later category of my weaknesses. Motivational I can see myself as; I always give people advice and try to uplift their spirits even when mine are down in the dumps. When it comes to playful, that can be taken in so many ways: I'm flirtatious, I'm silly, I'm ditzy...not dumb, just ditzy...Let's explore the next category dealing with my number...

"Here are some of the career choices that might suit you particularly well if the number 3 is predominant in your chart:

Entertainer, writer, actor, musician."

Heh, this is funny...I actually want to pursue a career in dance in the future, secondly a career in the radio industry (there goes your entertainment). I love writing, it's another way that I express my thoughts, opinions, basically anything. Ok, now to see what my number says about my weaknesses...

"Most probably, only one or a few of them will belong to you:

You are disorganized, irresponsible, moody, emotional and vulnerable. You can be moody and cynical, you lack focus and discipline and you might have difficulties with handling money.

You tend to scatter your energies, you often lack direction and it might be difficult for you to finish projects."

Disorganized: sometimes. Irresponsible: never that (minus a few things I've lost, but I'm always on top of my shit). Definitely moody, my mood fluctuates like no one's business, but that also depends on what I let get to me. Right now, I'm really trying to work on filtering what I should take to heart and what I should let slide. Cynical? A tad bit...sometimes it takes a lot to prove loyalties to me, even for the smallest of things. If I can't depend on you the way you depend on me, there's an issue; ergo, the cynicism. I can handle money, actually...when I have it...and lack of focus? Damn right bitch, I got ADD (not really lol).

I think this is my best tattoo yet. It encompasses not just one symbol, but what my life is all about as a whole. The strengths, the weaknesses, my personality, my soul, everything. Everyone can get a glimpse of what I'm about just by taking a look at my arm.

Subconscious Subliminals

Dreams, dreams, dreams...they are the underlying messages in our everyday lives. They are the little movies that play in our minds when we're fast asleep. They are the thoughts and symbols that we sometimes cannot decode.

For the past few nights, I've been dreaming about a specific person...and it's creeping me out just a tad bit (lol). First of all, I don't interact with that person so much for me to be dreaming about them, and second it's really left field. In the first dream, I was with my friends on my way to a party, and I walked into a restaurant where the said person proceeds to sing me a song (which, after prying on what song it is, I found it was Unthinkable by Alicia Keys). As if that wasn't awkward enough for me in my awake state, the next night I have a dream that the person was taking care of two children from this daycare, and we proceeded to talk about our lives in detail as we walked back to the place.

From these dreams, I'm only wondering if it means that this person and I may end up closer friends than usual someday? The communication in the dreams can possibly mean that we're going to communicate a little more in the real world. But where do the children and the singing come in? You can probably understand why the hell I'd be so confused *shrugs*

On another note, last night I had a dream about my god brother, Anthony, who I lost contact with for some years now. It was as if he popped out of nowhere, seemingly coming home from the armed forces, and it made me cry when I saw him. Once again, it made me feel a little lost. Does it mean that he'll come back into my mother and I's life? It's funny how you can still hold those people close to you in your heart even with distance and time passing you by.

I'm taking these dreams as an eye opener: to look out for new connections, as well as hoping to reconnect old connections. Who knows what a new friendship can bring to my life? Who knows how an old friendship can come together again? Let's see how these subliminal messages turn out in reality...

A to Z about D

A - AVAILABLE: Yeap but not looking for strings right now ;)
B - BIRTHDAY: January 28th (where's my belated presents?)
C - CRUSHING ON: still far gone on my current love...but I have a crush I won't mention
D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: Chocolate Milk
E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Ty, Todd, Matt, Princess, Lori
F - FAVORITE SONG : Disappear - Beyoncé
G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: Bears :)
H - HOMETOWN: Brooklyn, NY
I - IN LOVE WITH: Dance
J - JUGGLE: Nope
K - KILLED SOMEONE: Killed someone's ego, yes
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: NYC to AL
M- MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Cookies & Cream
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: None
O - ONE WISH: Why tell a wish for it not to come true?
P - PERSON YOU TALKED TO LAST: Ty
R - REASON TO SMILE: Knowing that the people I care for care about me in return
S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: Shakin' It 4 Daddy - Robin Thicke ft. Nicki Minaj
T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 11:30ish
U - UNDERWEAR COLOR: Grey and White

V - VALUES: Family, Friendship, and love
W - WORST HABIT: Jumping the gun/making assumptions
X - X-RAYS YOU’VE HAD: Elbow and teeth
Y - YOYOS: Hell yeah!!!
Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Aquarius!!!

Umm...What's Valentine's Day?

"Who's gonna be your Valentine?"

"What are you doing for Valentine's Day?"

"What are you getting me for Valentine's Day?"

I can answer all three of these questions with ease. First and foremost, I don't have a Valentine (excluding my Florida buddy Keith, possibly my significant other *that's how I feel about him, at least* and my mother). I don't have one for the simple fact that I have been single every Valentine's Day, minus the one that I got stood up on in 2008. I feel as if why should I have one day out of the 365 (366 on Leap Years) to show my love and affection for you? I'm still in love as of right now, and homeboy and I tell each other every day that we love each other here and there, so that's all I need.

What am I doing for Valentine's Day? Absolutely nothing. My mom might come up and spend time with me seeing as she has President's Day off that Monday, and I'll enjoy her quality time. I honestly don't expect anyone to get me anything at all that day. The last time I asked someone what we're doing for Valentine's Day, you know what they said? "Nothing...", which proves to me even more that the day is just another day on the calendar. Hell, I don't even plan on wearing red.

What am I getting you for Valentine's Day? Nothing whatsoever. I can buy you a bag of M&M's today, tomorrow, and the next day and they'll taste exactly the same on February 14th. It used to be cute to get little gifts, but a bitch is broke.

My overall point: Fuck V-Day...for me at least. I will apologize to those who celebrate the holiday religiously, and if you have that special someone to celebrate more power to you. All I have to say is that you should cherish your loved ones every day and not just on February 14th. People may see this as being negative; I just call it an opinion. I lost faith on love before, and I'm a true believer in true love (I've experienced it) but as far as this holiday, it's added onto my shit list of holidays (which includes Christmas).

Another Year, Another Start

"20 and I've realized everything you want's not meant to be

20 and you qualify to stand up to responsibilities

So I try to prioritize by deciding what I know what's best for me

And then there's always

Love that tries to trip you up

You try to catch yourself before you hit the ground

But nothing's promised

Friends are there to cheer you up

To give you strength and build you up when you are down

So I set sail emotion"

-Ciara, "I Found Myself"

So January 28th rolled around, and yours truly turned 20!! Quite frankly, it's apparently short a year of being legal to do EVERYTHING, but the important thing that I find here is that I am another year older and hoping to become another year wiser. My birthday was special this year. Nothing too extravagant as far as parties, but the most extraordinary experience was being content with my friends and my loved one (for the record we're not together, but I still love him...who knows how the wind will blow for us.)

It's the people in your life that can make or break you. I can honestly say that I am blessed to have my mother who has cared for me all 20 years of my life, even when we struggled with my sexuality. I am blessed to have my friends who I can tell anything to and who has a shoulder I can cry on. Although he and I ended our relationship for now, I'm blessed to experience true love and know that whatever happens I have arms that I can fall into and a heart I can touch, as well as a love who can touch my heart another time another place.

There's been other things in my life that are taking a toll on me, but I'm bringing it into a new year hoping that it will make me a stronger individual. This year will be the year that I let go of my vices as best as possible. This year will be the year that I live life to the fullest and take shit by the reigns. Life can change so fast before our eyes, but it's up to us to slow down for a minute and grasp everything that it gives us. Dey 2.0 will change his mind for the better.

Realization of the Day: I'm Human

January 11 is the day that my life changed forever. I came to the realization that we are not immortal; that one day, we will not walk this earth, and we will not be able to see the sunshine or smell fresh grass. I came to the realization that life is, in fact, going by fast...what do we have to show for it? We spend so much time hating on each other rather than loving each other, and we take for granted what good people can do for us.

I'm human; I bleed, I cry, I laugh, I feel. After January 11th and the devastation in Haiti, I have come to the conclusion that it is indubitably time to live each day as if it is my last day on this here earth. No one knows who is going to be here tomorrow, and at this time more than any we should be reaching out and touching one another instead of breaking each other down. This semester, I'm looking forward to staying persistent with my studies and having as much fun as I have the past few semesters I've been at New Paltz. It's time for me to keep on smiling, and to continue breathing air and life until it's time to part.

Realization of the Day: I'm Jealous

"Tell me why you in my B-I-Z

You gon' make me get my vaseline

You don't wanna catch the 3rd degree

Back up I need fifty feet

I don't think you really want it"

-Danity Kane, Want It

Ok, I'll admit: I'm a jealous bitch. I do get a little worrisome when hoochies look at my sig other (significant other) a certain way. I do tense up at the thought of someone giving him a compliment. But y'know what? I can't be but so mad. I mean not to be cocky (I'm just saying what I experience) but there do be times where some guys may tell me "hey, you're very attractive" or "hey, so what's good with you?" It's up to me to know that words are, indeed, just words and compliments can be harmless. It's all in the matter of what actions are being taken after those compliments are made, which none have been made so life is good under the sun.

Cutting straight to the point, for 2010 I plan on learning how to filter my jealousy; not being blind, but knowing how to ignore the advances that other wo/men may make towards him. And I'll admit, prior relationship experiences can be the cause of my jealous nature, but it's to put Sankofa into the playing field. I should be able to look at the past, learn that their qualities has nothing to do with his, and be able to move forward. It's time to loosen up the ropes, and it starts now.

New Year, New Ashes

"When your head is in a certain place
Nobody around to make you safe
Stand strong and you will grow
Oh
Wait till you see my smile"

-Alicia Keys, Wait 'Til You See My Smile

So although I'm a few days late, I would love to wish everyone a happy new year!! New Year's was very special to me this year. I spent it with my best friends and it was amazing just laughing and talking with them again. I haven't done that in quite some time with school and everything. Not to mention the $3 Smirnoffs hit the spot :).

With a new year came a new sense of mind and soul. For the past few days, I've been in quite high spirits if I do say so myself, and I really do feel as if I can make it through this year. I wake up every morning/afternoon and don't mind being up, whether I'm in the house or going to the store. Maybe the new year is a placebo, and if it is then it's working.

I still have quite a few friends that I need to catch up with. I'm not leaving until I've seen most to all of the important people that have graced my life in one form or another. And hopefully this dude stops making 2 Girls 1 Cup references...or I'mma give him something to refer to...Other than that, my relationship is steadily heading back on track the more I learn how to handle one's busy schedule and climb to success.

As I have referred to countless times, a phoenix always dies in the fire and rises in the ashes. 2009 has been my fire; it's time for the ashes of 2010 to bring me some prosperity and accomplishment. Wait 'til they see my smile...