Growing in the Spring

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone..."

-Bill Cosby

So it's been awhile of course, but with writing you can't force it. And of course, I feel now is about that time that I write what's been going on; a sense of feeling ready so-to-speak.

It's March now, and over the past month and some change I've been doing some growing. Not physical growing, of course. It's the kind of growing that I feel has been long overdue for myself. Lately, I have been unafraid to speak my mind fully, meaning what I say and saying what I mean to everyone. I've found more of a voice when it comes to calling out the bullshit that I see on a day to day basis, and honestly it feels good. Honesty is one of those things that's like a rare gem, and I think I've found a priceless one.

The other day, I discovered the quote stated above, and I feel as if I have been living up to it. I have come to a complete realization that by trying to please everyone, it only brings you down instead of up. Not to say that you shouldn't do for others, but you can't fight every single battle, and that is a lesson that has rang clear to me over the past few weeks. I've recently found a new spark in school that I haven't had in forever; hell I got an A on my Media Ethics midterm and my Public Relations class is treating me pretty damn good. I push myself to get up early in the morning for Media and Society, a constant battle every morning but I have been winning. All of these things I've been doing for myself, not my mother, not for the system, but to make myself a better human being.

I even got so close to snagging an internship, but unfortunately I didn't get hired. However, that rejection didn't even get me down because I feel as if bigger and better things are coming my way...slowly, but surely. By enlightening myself, I've been able to enlighten others. Let's hope that my growth continues steadily and I become a phrenemos (a term I picked up in Media Ethics that basically means a flourishing person.)

Contemplation

"What we see now is like a dim image in a mirror, then we will see face to face..."

-Ghost in the Shell

I'm going to start off on a good note, then get into the point of this post. So the good note is that I started working again today, and it felt great knowing that I'll have some form of income coming in. Times have been hard (as I'm sure most people who live in this country knows), but at least I'm going to attempt to save as much as I possibly can.

Onto the point of this post. I was having a conversation with my mother not too long ago (shortly before writing this post, I mean) and to make a long story short she said something that kind of tugged on my spirit: "I'm not sure if I was supposed to tell you." My question to that: what does that say about me as a person?

I really had to marinate on it for awhile. After she said that, I started wondering about my character. Am I that bad of a person that people feel that they can't or shouldn't come and tell me something? Am I that mean or that brutal? I will be the one to admit that if I have a belief about something, it can be hard to change my perspective if I feel that I have every reason to believe what I believe. However, when it comes to knowing things or being honest, I don't think that I'm a hard person to approach. Not to mention I'm always such an open book and feel that I can tell people anything.

Then again, I could be overanalyzing things. If things aren't meant to be said, then why bring it up right? It's just the fact that I had to question my character that made me feel some kind of way. I'll just have to do some extra searching inside in order to make myself a better person than I think I am.

Waking Up a New Age

Saturday morning I woke up a new age. But it wasn't just any old age: it was 21. As mentioned in my last blog post, my birthday was this past Friday (January 28th for future reference) and I spent my whole weekend with family and close friends. I don't think I could have asked for a better birthday.

When I woke up Saturday morning, I woke up with the utmost optimism. I had this sense that so many doors are opened to me now more than ever before. And not just the club doors, or lounge doors. The opportunity to grow as an adult this year became very attractive to me to say the least. Hell, I even woke up this morning and hopped out of bed (in NYC) to head to New Paltz. I could have been a lazy bitch and said, "I'm staying home, what's missing a few classes going to do?" but I took it upon myself to wake up and get on that good ol' Trailways bus. Maybe it's a placebo effect, but I feel that I'm on the right path of being more focused and handling responsibility better than I have before. As I had discussed with a couple of friends Saturday night, 2011 will be the year to appreciate self. That's not to be taken as being selfish, but more about being aware of who you are in order to grow and prosper in these troubled times. Love yourself a little more, push yourself to do greater things, and above all don't change who you are. These ideals are what I'm strengthening this year for myself.

On another random note, I got my sixth tattoo seen in the picture. It's the glyph for Uranus, the ruling planet of Aquarius in astrology. Below is just a little excerpt of what Uranus means for me as an Aquarian and as a person in general:

Uranus symbolizes unpredictable change, intuition, genius, individualism, independence, freedom, social reform, rebels, inventions, electricity, and the joining of the personal to the collective consciousness and the group mind. In the physical body it rules electrical nerve impulses

-myastrologybook.com

From the Ashes

"The phoenix hope,

can wing her way through the desert skies,

and still defying fortune's spite;

revive from ashes and rise."

-Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

So it's been almost a year since I've written anything on this blog. With Tumblr, Twitter, and Facebook (even Facebook has become a rarity to me) occupying my Internet interests, I haven't been writing as much. But I have a good feeling that now's the time to revive my Phoenix Rising blog.

To start off, my birthday's this Friday coming up and guess what age I'll be turning? 21!! It's been a long time coming so it feels. Each year of living on this Earth, I have learned so much about myself and I'm ready to take this age specifically to a whole other level pertaining to displaying who I really am. As many know, I believe in the ideal of Sankofa: learning from the past to make a better future. I have reevaluated my past experiences substantially and I can comfortably say that I have learned from both my mistakes and my accomplishments. This year--more than any other year--a phoenix will be reborn.

Just to update everyone in the blogsphere what's been going on in my life, I'll cover a few key points:

• I changed my major for good this time to Public Relations. I really found my niche in promotions and being able to sufficiently be a liaison to whomever. I'm glad that my dance team, Culture Shock, is what made me come to this realization (seeing that I'm the PR chair) and essentially what I'm doing in my dance team is exactly what I aim to do in the real world. I'll make it work.
• Of course, I'm still dancing. That never left my life, and never will leave my life. With that being said, I attended a dance conference called "The Pulse" this month and it opened my eyes so much. If I wasn't sure about where I wanted to take my dance career before, I definitely am sure now.
• Relationship? None. Am I happy? Yes. To be quite frank, I'm still in love with my last actual significant other and we have been communicating so much better lately, but there is no pressure to be in a relationship with anyone, nor will I make any pressure. The single life actually has opened my mind up so much more when it came to my personal growth. But I'm not opposed to a little flirting here and there ;)
• Last but not least, a list of a few people who have affected my life in one way or another that's help shaped my growth in no particular order (aside from my mother, she'll always be number one):

1. My New Paltz family who are also my family back at home: Miyah, Lori, Chippy, Brittney and Craig. As far as alumni, Angel has been a huge inspiration to me, and--although he doesn't count as alumni--Kris Sanchez.
2. My best friends and companions Matty, Todd, and Ty.
3. Culture Shock Dance Troupe as a whole.
4. My ADTV family Derrick L. Briggs and Matthew Barrett. Spending the summer with them also helped me see myself differently as a person and career-wise.
5. William Carpenter....what more can I say about him? He's been in my life for over 5 years and it's been nothing but an amazing experience knowing him.

I won't do the hood thing and shout out all of my haters and all of that unnecessary jargon, but anyone and everyone--even if not listed above--has shaped and molded me in some form of fashion. For that, I thank each and every one of you. I'm looking forward to blogging more on this thing. In the meantime, you can catch even more of what's been going on with my life on my Tumblr Page.

Question?

So yeah, everyone's heard of Formspring, and if you haven't I can basically tell you what it is. Formspring is a website that's kind of like an Honesty Box where people can ask you questions anonymously and get to know you. However, that can prove to be a double-edged sword, since people take advantage of the anonymity and become bold with their questions, often asking negative things or attacking people.

I want to use this blog right now to pick out a few questions that were asked about me that I really liked and had responded to. The positive thing about Formspring for me is that I can answer truthfully and people who may have the same questions can, indeed, get a preview of who I am. After all, you don't really know a person until you meet them in person. Onto the Q&A:

In one word how would you describe yourself?

Enigmatic

Are you close to your family? Are you loyal?

I'm close to my mother, grandmother, and a few cousins. Honestly, some of my family have talked behind my back and smiled in my face, and for that I don't be around them.

Have you ever been in love? How did you know?

I have been and still am in love. Whenever I see that person, I can't help but smile. Whenever I get mad at that person, I can't be mad at them for more than a minute. Whenever I'm near them, I feel safe.

Who is the most important person in your life? and Why?

My mother by far is the most important person in my life for the simple fact that she's my mother lol nah but seriously it's always just been me and her and I feel like she's the reason why I'm such a strong person. If I didn't have her as a backbone aside from my friends, I would have nothing.

What are your attitudes toward romance?

I love romance. I'm a very romance related person, and it doesn't have to be an expensive date type thing. Just spending time with the person you love is all that matters, whether it's a walk in the park or watching tv at home, anything of that matter.

How do u deal with homophobia?

Honestly, I've been called my share of faggots and batty bwois and I can say that I walk right by them. Silence kills them, and I don't give them the satisfaction of getting to me by reacting. Of course I'd want to curse them out, but I value my life. And if it's someone I know personally, I try to educate them by either showing them who I am as a person or not being bothered with them at all depending on their state of mind. You can't educate those who don't want to be educated.

Why do you think the gay community gets a bad rap in general?

Unfortunately because we've been oppressed by heterosexism. This world is so wrapped up in what a man and woman should do and that our lives are sinful, but they don't realize that we bleed the same color and feel the same emotions. In turn, that makes the LGBTQ community not value their worth, and we end up fitting into the stereotypes of promiscuity and flamboyance and so forth so on because of what heterosexuals put into the minds of society.

There's tons of other questions, but quite frankly I'm lazy *shrugs*. If you have any questions for me, feel free to ask http://formspring.me/CSPho3nix

3's a Charm

So today, I got my fourth tattoo: the number 3 (in Tamil instead of standard numerals; it's on my arm by the way). For those who don't know, the number 3 is my life path number, and I've been really into it thanks to my great friend Angel. So in honor of this number, I decided to dedicate my blog to delving deep into what the number means, and what it has to do with the life that I live. There are three categories: Characteristics, Possible Careers, and Weaknesses. Let's begin with my characteristics:

"You most likely have some of the following strengths and talents at your disposal if the number 3 appears in your numerology chart:

You are creative, socially active, artistic, very positive and optimistic, playful, happy and fun-loving, inspirational, imaginative, motivating, enthusiastic and uplifting.

You have great verbal skills and a talent for self expression. You are a great communicator, you enjoy life and you don't take things too seriously."

Most of these things prove to be true. For the most part, I love meeting new people and learning about someone. I'm definitely all about freedom of expression and freedom to being me. That's the only thing I know how to do the best besides eat, sleep, dance, and live. As far as not taking things too seriously, that's kinda true. I do often pay no mind to some things, but I'll get into the flaw in the later category of my weaknesses. Motivational I can see myself as; I always give people advice and try to uplift their spirits even when mine are down in the dumps. When it comes to playful, that can be taken in so many ways: I'm flirtatious, I'm silly, I'm ditzy...not dumb, just ditzy...Let's explore the next category dealing with my number...

"Here are some of the career choices that might suit you particularly well if the number 3 is predominant in your chart:

Entertainer, writer, actor, musician."

Heh, this is funny...I actually want to pursue a career in dance in the future, secondly a career in the radio industry (there goes your entertainment). I love writing, it's another way that I express my thoughts, opinions, basically anything. Ok, now to see what my number says about my weaknesses...

"Most probably, only one or a few of them will belong to you:

You are disorganized, irresponsible, moody, emotional and vulnerable. You can be moody and cynical, you lack focus and discipline and you might have difficulties with handling money.

You tend to scatter your energies, you often lack direction and it might be difficult for you to finish projects."

Disorganized: sometimes. Irresponsible: never that (minus a few things I've lost, but I'm always on top of my shit). Definitely moody, my mood fluctuates like no one's business, but that also depends on what I let get to me. Right now, I'm really trying to work on filtering what I should take to heart and what I should let slide. Cynical? A tad bit...sometimes it takes a lot to prove loyalties to me, even for the smallest of things. If I can't depend on you the way you depend on me, there's an issue; ergo, the cynicism. I can handle money, actually...when I have it...and lack of focus? Damn right bitch, I got ADD (not really lol).

I think this is my best tattoo yet. It encompasses not just one symbol, but what my life is all about as a whole. The strengths, the weaknesses, my personality, my soul, everything. Everyone can get a glimpse of what I'm about just by taking a look at my arm.

Subconscious Subliminals

Dreams, dreams, dreams...they are the underlying messages in our everyday lives. They are the little movies that play in our minds when we're fast asleep. They are the thoughts and symbols that we sometimes cannot decode.

For the past few nights, I've been dreaming about a specific person...and it's creeping me out just a tad bit (lol). First of all, I don't interact with that person so much for me to be dreaming about them, and second it's really left field. In the first dream, I was with my friends on my way to a party, and I walked into a restaurant where the said person proceeds to sing me a song (which, after prying on what song it is, I found it was Unthinkable by Alicia Keys). As if that wasn't awkward enough for me in my awake state, the next night I have a dream that the person was taking care of two children from this daycare, and we proceeded to talk about our lives in detail as we walked back to the place.

From these dreams, I'm only wondering if it means that this person and I may end up closer friends than usual someday? The communication in the dreams can possibly mean that we're going to communicate a little more in the real world. But where do the children and the singing come in? You can probably understand why the hell I'd be so confused *shrugs*

On another note, last night I had a dream about my god brother, Anthony, who I lost contact with for some years now. It was as if he popped out of nowhere, seemingly coming home from the armed forces, and it made me cry when I saw him. Once again, it made me feel a little lost. Does it mean that he'll come back into my mother and I's life? It's funny how you can still hold those people close to you in your heart even with distance and time passing you by.

I'm taking these dreams as an eye opener: to look out for new connections, as well as hoping to reconnect old connections. Who knows what a new friendship can bring to my life? Who knows how an old friendship can come together again? Let's see how these subliminal messages turn out in reality...

A to Z about D

A - AVAILABLE: Yeap but not looking for strings right now ;)
B - BIRTHDAY: January 28th (where's my belated presents?)
C - CRUSHING ON: still far gone on my current love...but I have a crush I won't mention
D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: Chocolate Milk
E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Ty, Todd, Matt, Princess, Lori
F - FAVORITE SONG : Disappear - Beyoncé
G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: Bears :)
H - HOMETOWN: Brooklyn, NY
I - IN LOVE WITH: Dance
J - JUGGLE: Nope
K - KILLED SOMEONE: Killed someone's ego, yes
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: NYC to AL
M- MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Cookies & Cream
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: None
O - ONE WISH: Why tell a wish for it not to come true?
P - PERSON YOU TALKED TO LAST: Ty
R - REASON TO SMILE: Knowing that the people I care for care about me in return
S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: Shakin' It 4 Daddy - Robin Thicke ft. Nicki Minaj
T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 11:30ish
U - UNDERWEAR COLOR: Grey and White

V - VALUES: Family, Friendship, and love
W - WORST HABIT: Jumping the gun/making assumptions
X - X-RAYS YOU’VE HAD: Elbow and teeth
Y - YOYOS: Hell yeah!!!
Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Aquarius!!!