Another Year, Another Start

"20 and I've realized everything you want's not meant to be

20 and you qualify to stand up to responsibilities

So I try to prioritize by deciding what I know what's best for me

And then there's always

Love that tries to trip you up

You try to catch yourself before you hit the ground

But nothing's promised

Friends are there to cheer you up

To give you strength and build you up when you are down

So I set sail emotion"

-Ciara, "I Found Myself"

So January 28th rolled around, and yours truly turned 20!! Quite frankly, it's apparently short a year of being legal to do EVERYTHING, but the important thing that I find here is that I am another year older and hoping to become another year wiser. My birthday was special this year. Nothing too extravagant as far as parties, but the most extraordinary experience was being content with my friends and my loved one (for the record we're not together, but I still love him...who knows how the wind will blow for us.)

It's the people in your life that can make or break you. I can honestly say that I am blessed to have my mother who has cared for me all 20 years of my life, even when we struggled with my sexuality. I am blessed to have my friends who I can tell anything to and who has a shoulder I can cry on. Although he and I ended our relationship for now, I'm blessed to experience true love and know that whatever happens I have arms that I can fall into and a heart I can touch, as well as a love who can touch my heart another time another place.

There's been other things in my life that are taking a toll on me, but I'm bringing it into a new year hoping that it will make me a stronger individual. This year will be the year that I let go of my vices as best as possible. This year will be the year that I live life to the fullest and take shit by the reigns. Life can change so fast before our eyes, but it's up to us to slow down for a minute and grasp everything that it gives us. Dey 2.0 will change his mind for the better.

Realization of the Day: I'm Human

January 11 is the day that my life changed forever. I came to the realization that we are not immortal; that one day, we will not walk this earth, and we will not be able to see the sunshine or smell fresh grass. I came to the realization that life is, in fact, going by fast...what do we have to show for it? We spend so much time hating on each other rather than loving each other, and we take for granted what good people can do for us.

I'm human; I bleed, I cry, I laugh, I feel. After January 11th and the devastation in Haiti, I have come to the conclusion that it is indubitably time to live each day as if it is my last day on this here earth. No one knows who is going to be here tomorrow, and at this time more than any we should be reaching out and touching one another instead of breaking each other down. This semester, I'm looking forward to staying persistent with my studies and having as much fun as I have the past few semesters I've been at New Paltz. It's time for me to keep on smiling, and to continue breathing air and life until it's time to part.

Realization of the Day: I'm Jealous

"Tell me why you in my B-I-Z

You gon' make me get my vaseline

You don't wanna catch the 3rd degree

Back up I need fifty feet

I don't think you really want it"

-Danity Kane, Want It

Ok, I'll admit: I'm a jealous bitch. I do get a little worrisome when hoochies look at my sig other (significant other) a certain way. I do tense up at the thought of someone giving him a compliment. But y'know what? I can't be but so mad. I mean not to be cocky (I'm just saying what I experience) but there do be times where some guys may tell me "hey, you're very attractive" or "hey, so what's good with you?" It's up to me to know that words are, indeed, just words and compliments can be harmless. It's all in the matter of what actions are being taken after those compliments are made, which none have been made so life is good under the sun.

Cutting straight to the point, for 2010 I plan on learning how to filter my jealousy; not being blind, but knowing how to ignore the advances that other wo/men may make towards him. And I'll admit, prior relationship experiences can be the cause of my jealous nature, but it's to put Sankofa into the playing field. I should be able to look at the past, learn that their qualities has nothing to do with his, and be able to move forward. It's time to loosen up the ropes, and it starts now.

New Year, New Ashes

"When your head is in a certain place
Nobody around to make you safe
Stand strong and you will grow
Oh
Wait till you see my smile"

-Alicia Keys, Wait 'Til You See My Smile

So although I'm a few days late, I would love to wish everyone a happy new year!! New Year's was very special to me this year. I spent it with my best friends and it was amazing just laughing and talking with them again. I haven't done that in quite some time with school and everything. Not to mention the $3 Smirnoffs hit the spot :).

With a new year came a new sense of mind and soul. For the past few days, I've been in quite high spirits if I do say so myself, and I really do feel as if I can make it through this year. I wake up every morning/afternoon and don't mind being up, whether I'm in the house or going to the store. Maybe the new year is a placebo, and if it is then it's working.

I still have quite a few friends that I need to catch up with. I'm not leaving until I've seen most to all of the important people that have graced my life in one form or another. And hopefully this dude stops making 2 Girls 1 Cup references...or I'mma give him something to refer to...Other than that, my relationship is steadily heading back on track the more I learn how to handle one's busy schedule and climb to success.

As I have referred to countless times, a phoenix always dies in the fire and rises in the ashes. 2009 has been my fire; it's time for the ashes of 2010 to bring me some prosperity and accomplishment. Wait 'til they see my smile...

Piecing It Together

"You are looking outside, and that is what you should most avoid right now. No one can advise or help you - no one. There is only one thing you should do. Go into yourself."

-Ranier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

It's funny how the longer you're away from someone, the more you notice whether they have changed or not the next time you see them. Sometimes, they can change for the better, other times they may change for the worse. In this instance, I saw my friend Julio who not only changed for the better, but helped to put some things into perspective about my life.

So we got to talking about Lady Gaga and how much of an amazing artist she is, which led to the introduction of "Letters to a Young Poet." After reading some of it, he asked what is it that I really couldn't live without; specifically what would be the one thing that would kill me if I couldn't do it anymore. I probed around, told him I was majoring in Radio/TV Production now, told him how I want to reach out to the masses and help people in some form or another, but what really spoke louder than any volume was dance. The more I talked about dancing, the more I've realized that it's become more than just a hobby or more than a passion for me. It's become my life.

So I've come to the conclusion that yes, what I desire and will strive for is to become a dancer. Whether it be opening up a small dance studio, or auditioning to become someone's back up dancer, dance is what I will try to pursue if I'm really going to be happy in life with what I want to do. One thing that did stick out to me was when he said "you're good at writing, but you're great at dancing."

After spending time with him talking, laughing, catching up, I left with a better sense of what is really breaking me down. It's been quite obvious to me that I love to dance; it's been even clearer that I've been told to do what is "practical." I have been conditioned to keeping it safe and going for the options that would get me through in life. What I should do is go for what my heart really wants, and no one should be able to turn it down. So for 2010, I will leave the shackles at the door of opportunity. If I plan to have a brighter future, I need to lean towards the gold. My backup plan will be radio and television; I need to make my Plan A dance some how. This phoenix just needs a little more ash to bring me back on the right path to happiness.

Air Made of Bricks

"Right under my feet is air made of bricks

That pulls me down and turn me weak for you

I find myself repeating like a broken tune and I'm

Forever excusing your intentions and I

Give in to my pretending

Which forgive you each time without me knowing

They melt my heart to stone..."

-Adele, "Melt My Heart to Stone"

Hmmm...how can I possibly sum up the past three to four months? It's been a hell of a ride I know that much. First off, I've been broke as hell (as I may have mentioned in my last blog). Second, I've seen so many friendships that I hold so dear to me go down the drain, which hurts me to even see that I'm typing such a thing. My relationship I'm not getting too deep into, but there has been trouble in paradise and it's taking somewhat of a long process to piece the bricks together. I've been quite sick of this past semester: work getting out of hand, drama upon drama, it seems as if I can't win for losing.

This blog is just a vent, a rant, quite frankly letting my inner emotions just flow onto the red background of this page. I've had so many low grounds these past few months that I don't even know how the hell I can even put a smile on my face. I mean just to point out the things that I am grateful for, I'm grateful for surprisingly having a successfully academic semester (found out my grades today whoop-di-doo), an amazing dance team, a phenomenal mother, great friends despite their issues and yes an amazing significant other despite our minor issues. Aside from all of those things, I just don't understand why I've been through the things that I've been through, and seen the things that I've seen.

Since it's so close to the New Year, I'm proposing this one thing for myself: I'm simply doing what is best for me. I will apologize right now if I end up hurting people in the process, but I have to be able to learn to mend and fix myself before I can make anyone's life better to live. I need to really get myself together, and if I have to be like *fuck you and you*then that's what I will resort to. I'm not setting a resolution so to speak; just having another epiphany.

Crowded

First off, I don't even remember the last time that I wrote a blog; I definitely need to get back in the groove of doing so. For the past two months, I have been through the only ups and downs--like any regular human being of course.

So yeah, I quit my OL "job" for reasons that I won't mention besides me being mentally tired and, quite frankly, I was unhappy. The summer was fun and I had an amazing time, but during the year the duties were just... how should I put it... drab? Not to mention the pay was not what we all intended. So that's just one thing off of my plate.

School's a pain in my ass. To be quite honest, two of my professors are LATE (that means whack, trash, etc.), especially my Black Studies professor. I swear to goodness one day we're really going to go at it one of these days before the semester is over. I can't stand people who are so stern and set in their ways that they can't at least see they're in the wrong. Everyone has their beliefs, but it's only fair to leave room for error--something he must've not heard of. On top of that, Photojournalism--so I've found--is definitely not my cup of tea. Photography, yes, but photojournalism? I can live without. I feel like it doesn't leave room for expression; too much structure, too many guidelines. I need something with more creativity, so on that note I'll just have photography be a hobby rather than a prospective career interest.

Speaking of prospective career interests, I decided to change my major to Radio and Television Production. Journalism is cool, but I really thought about it and I think (yes, still thinking) that television or radio is the way to go even if it's behind the scenes. I have a mission to make my voice heard about equality and change, and radio and television would be a better avenue so to speak.

On a brighter note, my significant other and I have been doing quite well for almost seven months (we'll make seven on Sunday). That is all.

So yes, people, I have been living somewhat of a roller coaster. At the end of the day, still, I have my dance team to look forward to (Blue and Orange weekend is coming up woot woot), my friends to count on, and my family (well select family) to lean on. I'm still trying to keep my head up despite the loco teachers and the outside drama. I'll make it better... just watch...

4 Months

"Now it's been 3 years since we've been in love

And you keep doing things to show you're proud of

30 beauties in the room only me you see

The confidence you give lives in me

I vow to never break your heart or never let you down

For better or worse I'll always be around

And with you here to share my life, so complete

It's because of you I know how it feels to be..."

-Destiny's Child, "Love"

So it hasn't been three years, but it has been four months. In all honesty, I never thought that I would experience love again. I have been through three years of ups and downs with someone who I felt love for; someone who I still love in a different way than this. This love, however, is real. It is the love that I wake up to every morning and go to sleep with every evening. It is the love that makes me smile on the inside even when the outer world is against me. It is the love that keeps me at a high even when I can be on such lows.

I have known this love for almost two years now--September will mark the second year. It is so uncanny how someone you can be complete friends with at first can end up being that special someone that you know will have you in the long run. As I sit here writing this, I remember how we met two years ago as if we met just today. I can still remember how we used to talk hours upon hours on the phone, just as we can talk hours upon hours to this day. It is this kind of love that makes me appreciate living for the next day.

Just four months ago, we decided to go with the flow; to "explore the possibilities." Who would have thought that four months later the possibilities would flourish?