Piecing It Together

"You are looking outside, and that is what you should most avoid right now. No one can advise or help you - no one. There is only one thing you should do. Go into yourself."

-Ranier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

It's funny how the longer you're away from someone, the more you notice whether they have changed or not the next time you see them. Sometimes, they can change for the better, other times they may change for the worse. In this instance, I saw my friend Julio who not only changed for the better, but helped to put some things into perspective about my life.

So we got to talking about Lady Gaga and how much of an amazing artist she is, which led to the introduction of "Letters to a Young Poet." After reading some of it, he asked what is it that I really couldn't live without; specifically what would be the one thing that would kill me if I couldn't do it anymore. I probed around, told him I was majoring in Radio/TV Production now, told him how I want to reach out to the masses and help people in some form or another, but what really spoke louder than any volume was dance. The more I talked about dancing, the more I've realized that it's become more than just a hobby or more than a passion for me. It's become my life.

So I've come to the conclusion that yes, what I desire and will strive for is to become a dancer. Whether it be opening up a small dance studio, or auditioning to become someone's back up dancer, dance is what I will try to pursue if I'm really going to be happy in life with what I want to do. One thing that did stick out to me was when he said "you're good at writing, but you're great at dancing."

After spending time with him talking, laughing, catching up, I left with a better sense of what is really breaking me down. It's been quite obvious to me that I love to dance; it's been even clearer that I've been told to do what is "practical." I have been conditioned to keeping it safe and going for the options that would get me through in life. What I should do is go for what my heart really wants, and no one should be able to turn it down. So for 2010, I will leave the shackles at the door of opportunity. If I plan to have a brighter future, I need to lean towards the gold. My backup plan will be radio and television; I need to make my Plan A dance some how. This phoenix just needs a little more ash to bring me back on the right path to happiness.

Air Made of Bricks

"Right under my feet is air made of bricks

That pulls me down and turn me weak for you

I find myself repeating like a broken tune and I'm

Forever excusing your intentions and I

Give in to my pretending

Which forgive you each time without me knowing

They melt my heart to stone..."

-Adele, "Melt My Heart to Stone"

Hmmm...how can I possibly sum up the past three to four months? It's been a hell of a ride I know that much. First off, I've been broke as hell (as I may have mentioned in my last blog). Second, I've seen so many friendships that I hold so dear to me go down the drain, which hurts me to even see that I'm typing such a thing. My relationship I'm not getting too deep into, but there has been trouble in paradise and it's taking somewhat of a long process to piece the bricks together. I've been quite sick of this past semester: work getting out of hand, drama upon drama, it seems as if I can't win for losing.

This blog is just a vent, a rant, quite frankly letting my inner emotions just flow onto the red background of this page. I've had so many low grounds these past few months that I don't even know how the hell I can even put a smile on my face. I mean just to point out the things that I am grateful for, I'm grateful for surprisingly having a successfully academic semester (found out my grades today whoop-di-doo), an amazing dance team, a phenomenal mother, great friends despite their issues and yes an amazing significant other despite our minor issues. Aside from all of those things, I just don't understand why I've been through the things that I've been through, and seen the things that I've seen.

Since it's so close to the New Year, I'm proposing this one thing for myself: I'm simply doing what is best for me. I will apologize right now if I end up hurting people in the process, but I have to be able to learn to mend and fix myself before I can make anyone's life better to live. I need to really get myself together, and if I have to be like *fuck you and you*then that's what I will resort to. I'm not setting a resolution so to speak; just having another epiphany.

Crowded

First off, I don't even remember the last time that I wrote a blog; I definitely need to get back in the groove of doing so. For the past two months, I have been through the only ups and downs--like any regular human being of course.

So yeah, I quit my OL "job" for reasons that I won't mention besides me being mentally tired and, quite frankly, I was unhappy. The summer was fun and I had an amazing time, but during the year the duties were just... how should I put it... drab? Not to mention the pay was not what we all intended. So that's just one thing off of my plate.

School's a pain in my ass. To be quite honest, two of my professors are LATE (that means whack, trash, etc.), especially my Black Studies professor. I swear to goodness one day we're really going to go at it one of these days before the semester is over. I can't stand people who are so stern and set in their ways that they can't at least see they're in the wrong. Everyone has their beliefs, but it's only fair to leave room for error--something he must've not heard of. On top of that, Photojournalism--so I've found--is definitely not my cup of tea. Photography, yes, but photojournalism? I can live without. I feel like it doesn't leave room for expression; too much structure, too many guidelines. I need something with more creativity, so on that note I'll just have photography be a hobby rather than a prospective career interest.

Speaking of prospective career interests, I decided to change my major to Radio and Television Production. Journalism is cool, but I really thought about it and I think (yes, still thinking) that television or radio is the way to go even if it's behind the scenes. I have a mission to make my voice heard about equality and change, and radio and television would be a better avenue so to speak.

On a brighter note, my significant other and I have been doing quite well for almost seven months (we'll make seven on Sunday). That is all.

So yes, people, I have been living somewhat of a roller coaster. At the end of the day, still, I have my dance team to look forward to (Blue and Orange weekend is coming up woot woot), my friends to count on, and my family (well select family) to lean on. I'm still trying to keep my head up despite the loco teachers and the outside drama. I'll make it better... just watch...

4 Months

"Now it's been 3 years since we've been in love

And you keep doing things to show you're proud of

30 beauties in the room only me you see

The confidence you give lives in me

I vow to never break your heart or never let you down

For better or worse I'll always be around

And with you here to share my life, so complete

It's because of you I know how it feels to be..."

-Destiny's Child, "Love"

So it hasn't been three years, but it has been four months. In all honesty, I never thought that I would experience love again. I have been through three years of ups and downs with someone who I felt love for; someone who I still love in a different way than this. This love, however, is real. It is the love that I wake up to every morning and go to sleep with every evening. It is the love that makes me smile on the inside even when the outer world is against me. It is the love that keeps me at a high even when I can be on such lows.

I have known this love for almost two years now--September will mark the second year. It is so uncanny how someone you can be complete friends with at first can end up being that special someone that you know will have you in the long run. As I sit here writing this, I remember how we met two years ago as if we met just today. I can still remember how we used to talk hours upon hours on the phone, just as we can talk hours upon hours to this day. It is this kind of love that makes me appreciate living for the next day.

Just four months ago, we decided to go with the flow; to "explore the possibilities." Who would have thought that four months later the possibilities would flourish?

Time Goes By...So Fast?

Damn, the clock is ticking at such a speedy pace. The summer is almost over; a successful summer at that. Next week is my last session for summer orientation and it's kind of sad, but rewarding at the same time. Who would have thought that these weeks would fly by? It seems like just a minute ago I was meeting my co-workers/friends for the first time. It's funny to see how we became so close over two months by doing what we wanted to do the most; setting an example for the students that are coming in for Fall Semester.

All of my students loved me...hey, I can't ignore that. I mean really, I wanted to inspire them and show them the magic of college, and through that they developed a love for not only the college, but for me as a person they can look up to for anything during the year. Sometimes it brings a little tear to my eye; a tear of joy and fulfillment. Knowing that I helped mold the minds of future leaders makes my job even better.

So I'm not sure if I'm ready to end next week. I know I will see my students in August, but nonetheless I miss every single one of them.

Life is Bliss

"Hold me there

Deep inside your arms

Stay with me one more song

Until my body's melting away, away, away"

-Ciara, "Keep Dancing On Me"

It's been awhile since I've written a blog...wow that's really not good actually lol. But I guess this is the time to update on what is going on in my life at the current moment. So much to be said, so I'll try to fit in my last month of activity.

So as we all know, I am an Orientation Leader at my school. Yeah, yeah, it sounds pretty cheesy, but no one really knows how much of an enlightening experience it is to have this job. The whole month of June, I had connected with my fellow OL's on such deep levels; many new friendships were made, and the new friendships made were made stronger. What really made the job worthwhile (so far) was this past week's session. My students--even students that were not in my group--were simply amazing. It's such a blessing of whatever higher powers there may be to see the next generation coming to college and becoming adults. As I led them around and had late night talks with them, it reminded me of when I was in their exact position but only a year ago. Wow...time flies...

On a different note, things are going great with my love. He's every and anything I could ever ask for in a significant other, and I'm grateful for that. That is all on that subject lol no need to get too too deep (not to mention I'm a tad tired).

Well, tomorrow I go back for the next session. I can only hope that my next group and the next set of students are just as inspiring as the students I've experienced. Man, I can't wait for next semester...

"What You Eat Don't Make Me Shit"

B. Scott is a fabulous firecracker of a man. For those who do not know who B. Scott is, he is an avid video blogger who has gained fame across the worldwide web. He has even gained so much recognition that he has been recently involved in the NOH8 campaign in California to combat Proposition 8. I was put onto B. Scott awhile ago by a good friend, but recently I have regained my interest in his vlogs starting with the above video.

B. Scott definitely gets things off of his chest as the title describes. Many of the points that he brought up is exactly how I--amongst other LGBT people--feel about the views of homosexuals. It's so crazy how some heterosexual men and women figure that just because a person is gay or lesbian, they automatically want to "convert" them; it's so crazy how some heterosexual men and women quote the Bible calling homosexuality an "abomination" when they commit sin by going to Red Lobster and ordering the shellfish specials. People need to open their eyes and see that we (the LGBT community) are just as much human as anyone and everyone else. As B. Scott boldly said, "judge people by the merit of their character." It is not about who a person sleeps with at night or loves in the morning; it is about the kindness and good in their hearts and in their being.

Another quote that touched me specifically *made me die laughing too only because of the deliverance lol* was "What you eat, don't make me shit." This is completely true. Why the hell do we lead our lives worrying about what others have to think and say about it? We should be able to live and let live, do us and say "fuck what you think, I'm finna do me." I take this to the heart because periodically in my life, I get those people who ask "why must you dress like this?" and "why must you do that?" What do I have to say to these people now? What you eat don't make me shit.

So find the time to watch the above video. Whether you are gay, straight, bi, try, whatever just watch the video and be enlightened. Trust me, it is not a waste of eleven minutes. You will indeed walk away with another outlook on who you are; on who I am.

How Good It Hurts

"Well I've met my match
'Cause you're more of a man
Than I've ever had
This table's turned
And I can't find the words
To describe how good it hurts"
-Chrisette Michele, "Mr. Right"

So it's been about two months...wow that is pretty amazing. I find it crazy how you go through time without looking for love, and out of nowhere love finds you. It has been two months since me and Mr. Right decided to explore the possibilities and I can say that it has been an amazing journey. Never have I ever imagined that life and love could be this good. Knowing him for over a year *it will be two years in September or October* I would never imagine that a true love could be right in front of my face. Someone who listens to me; someone who understands me; someone who sees me even with my flaws.

Everyday I wake up in the morning, and what is wrong with that picture is that I do not like to wake up in the morning. To hear his voice on the phone, I do. It is such a joy to speak to him every day just hearing how he is doing at work, or the new music he recommends, or how we disagree on Beyonce. I appreciate him so much; his friendship and honesty means so much to me that I cannot fathom what life would be like if I had never met him that faithful day at McDonald's on 42nd Street.

Love has not hit me like this in years. It took awhile, but I have finally opened my eyes to what true love entails. It entails support for one another, it entails respect for one another, it entails seeing each other smile and provoking each others minds. All of these things I have found in him, and I can wholeheartedly say that my two month curse can be broken. This is something that I know will last past our relationship, past our friendship, past our lifetimes.